you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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