Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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