her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
