I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
