i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
