A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
