I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
