I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
