Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
