My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
