Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
