he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
