The maid of honor just puked.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize