I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
