Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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