When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
birth control should be required to get into college
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
