I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
