i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Randomize
