I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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