if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
