All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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