For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Randomize
