My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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