Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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