I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize