I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
