Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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