There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
