my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
