wanna go halves on a baby?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
