If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize