Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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