I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
