My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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