Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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