If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think I just sharted jello shots
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