I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
you never un-have a 4some
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
