So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
