i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
