Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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