I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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