i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
