is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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