But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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