So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
