I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
