well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
