God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
