I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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