and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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