just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize