i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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