JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
