I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
