the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
