It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
