i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
