Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
