Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
