Whod you bang
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
