it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
