my cup is half full, half full of rum.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize