i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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