So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
