Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I cut my penus on the lid.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
