We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
