were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
