why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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