Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
