If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I need moral support for this bender
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
